MY LOVE IS A JERK

Tuesday morning, I worked graveyard. Pumped myself a bit up with redbull. At 6am, I was already so sleepy. And I started at 4am. I thought redbull was supposed to boost you up for 5 hours or so? Anyway, it felt like the longest 2 hours of my life. My cell phone had died earlier while I was talking to my bestfriend about this dream I had so I had nothing to keep myself occupied with during my break. I didnt feel like watching the news. My loud mouthed co-worker wouldve helped me stay awake but I never saw her until the end of the day. She herself wasnt in her usual loud self. We sat and talk for a little. As she went to clock out, there I saw walking up to me, my ex.


Well we didn't really commit to each other so I dont know if i should tag him as such. We just kept each other company and had fun while we're at it. Its been a while since we hung out. Its been a while since we even spoke with each other. I hated him. I hated him because I had to. I had to because I grew so weak for him that the only way I could forget him is to hate him. I cared for him too much. I loved him.

What we had was perfect, if you rule out him having a girlfriend. Yes, I knew, and still went for it. I never thought I would. But that time, I really didn't care. I didn't think it was going to last. I didn't think I was going to fall. But I did. Hard. The first few weeks I would ignore him. Flake on our arrangements. But as consistent as he was, I decided to go for it. He was very patient with me. He took care of me. I would hurt him and he wouldnt mind. He carried me from the club all the way to the parking lot. Believe me it wasnt a walk in the park at all. Maybe he grew tired of my craziness. I know I can be crazy at times. Crazy drunk.

He was the best guy I never even had. He had me fooled. I had myself fooled. One of my girls told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. I was happy to hear that. But it never really came from him. I never asked him. He never confirmed. It didn't matter to me. It just gave me more reasons to give in.

At first he would seem like a very timid person. He's not loud and he doesn't get loud and stupid. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't drink as much and I like that. Being with him made me want to quit smoking. I wanted so much to please him. He's the only guy I've been with who has made me feel insecure. He made me think about my ways. He made me see myself in a different perspective. I was willing to compromise. But all my hopes were crushed one night when I finally asked him about his girl. Yup, I was so stupid. I cried about a galon or two that night. I couldn't stop. I felt so betrayed. So manipulated. So broken. I can still remember everything like it was just yesterday. I thought I was over him. I guess not...