BAD HABITS

I MUST SAY ONE OF MY BAD HABITS THAT I REALLY REALLY AM VERY CONSISTENT TO IS LEAVING MY NEATLY FOLDED, FRESH OUT OF THE DRIER CLOTHES, LAYING IN MY BED OR EVEN ON THE FLOOR. THE MOST I HAVE LEFT THEM ON THERE IS PROBABLY AROUND 4 OR EVEN 5 DAYS.ITS JUST THERE. I PICK OUT MY CLOTHES THERE, SLEEP IN MY BED BESIDE MY CLOTHES. KNOCK EM DOWN ONE AT A TIME. AND EVENTUALLY IM GONNA HAVE TO WASH THEM ALL OVER AGAIN. MY ROOM IS A MESS. ALL MY CLOTHES. SOMETIMES IT EVEN GETS MIXED UP WITH THE DIRTY LAUNDRY. HENCE, WASHING THEM ALL OVER AGAIN. I HATE IT. BUT IM JUST SO LAZY LIKE THAT. EVER SINCE I WAS A KID. I WAS NEVER THE ORGANIZED LITTLE GIRL. I GUESS I FIGURED IT JUST WASNT FAIR THAT I HAD TO CLEAN UP ALL THE TIME WHILE ALL MY 3 BROTHERS JUST THROW THEIR STUFF AWAY LIKE CRAZY AND I HAD TO CLEAN UP MY MESS. THATS NOT A GOOD OF AN EXCUSE THOUGH. I WISH I WAS THE NEAT FREAK. I LIKE MY STUFF ORGANIZED. ITS EASIER THAT WAY. LIKE RIGHT NOW ID HAVE TO FLIP MY ENTIRE ROOM JUST TO LOOK FOR MY PHONE OR THE REMOTE OR MY KEYS. IM WORST THAN A BLIND MAN HUNTING FOR AN EASTER EGG.

IN LOVE, ITS A DIFFERENT STORY. I HAVE THE WORST HABIT OF BEING A JERK TO THOSE REALLY NICE GUYS THAT I GO OUT WITH. I GET THIS ATTITUDE THAT I AM IN CONTROL AND THAT I SHOULD BE. I WOULD EXPECT SO MUCH FROM THAT PERSON THAT I WOULD GET SO DISAPPOINTED AS MUCH. I AM JUST STRESSING MYSELF AND PUTTING THE BLAME ON THEM THEREFORE STRESSING THEM AS WELL. I DONT KNOW IF ITS JUST ME OR I JUST HAVENT FOUND THAT GUY YET. I KEEP THINKING THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WOULD JUST FILL UP THE MISSING PIECES JUST LIKE THAT. ITS SO EASY AND SO RIGHT THAT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO STRESS IT. EVERYTHING IS JUST GONNA HAPPEN AND EITHER OF YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. AM I WRONG? SOMETIMES I LOOK AROUND ME, AND I WONDER HOW THEY DO IT. HOW DO THEY MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY. AS I AM READING THIS OVER I REALIZE HOW PATHETIC I SOUND. I WAS BORED AS HELL WATCHING MOVIES AND NOW IM GETTING ALL EMOTIONAL. I JUST MISS THAT FEELING I GUESS.

IN LIFE, I CANT ALWAYS SEEM TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. THATS THE WORST I THINK. I JUST KEEP TAKING SHIT FROM PEOPLE. I NEVER COMPLAIN. I TAKE IT AS IT IS. I DONT KNOW IF THATS BEING NICE OR BEING STUPID. THERE ARE TIMES THAT I WOULD GET SO MAD BUT I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I GET IN THE CAR OR SOMEWHERE PRIVATE AND JUST THROW A MAJOR BITCH FIT. LIKE THAT TIME I HAD MY LAPTOP LOOKED AT. I WAS SO CAREFUL WITH IT. I HAD IT FOR A YEAR AND NOT A SINGLE SCRATCH OR ANYTHING. THEN I TAKE IT DOWN THERE AND AS I CLAIM IT, THERE IT WAS, ALL DUSTY AND PROBABLY 4 SCRATCHES TO GO WITH IT. I WAS SO MAD. BUT I JUST STOOD THERE, WITH MY MOUTH WIDE OPEN AND JUST STARING. STARING. STARING. I COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING. I WAS SO UPSET, WHEN I GOT TO MY CAR I STARTED SCREAMING AND TALKING TO MYSELF LIKE CRAZY. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

I WAS JUST THINKING....

MY COUSIN AND I HAD A CONVERSATION EARLIER ABOUT HER EX FINALLY HAVING SOMEONE NEW AFTER 3 YEARS SINCE THEY HAVE BROKEN UP. SHE HAD THAT FEELING OF ABANDONMENT. SHE COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT HE FINALLY GOT OVER HER. SHE STARTED REMINISCING. SHE DOESNT WANNA SEE THEIR PICTURES TOGETHER BUT SHE JUST COULD NOT HELP HERSELF. SHE GETS IRRITATED WITH THE LITTLEST THINGS THAT THIS GIRL WOULD EVER DO. SHE FEELS GUILTY FOR FEELING THAT WAY. BUT YOU CANT REALLY CHOOSE TO FEEL. ITS INVOLUNTARY. THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. ITS NATURAL. YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. IT JUST TAKES TIME.

I READ THIS QUOTE EARLIER SAYING "WE DONT OWN PEOPLE, WE ONLY GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE A LIFE WITH THEM". ITS VERY TRUE. SOMETIMES WE FOCUS SO MUCH ON A PERSON THAT WE FORGET ABOUT OURSELVES. YOU DONT NEED TO DO THAT. THEY DONT WANT YOU TO DO THAT. ITS VERY UNNECESSARY. IF THEY DONT SEEM TO RESPOND TO YOU DONT FORCE YOURSELF TO THEM. JUST OPEN YOUR EYES, HOLD ONTO YOUR HEART AND TAKE IT.

IT WOULD BE NICE THOUGH IF YOU COULD ACTUALLY OWN PEOPLE. EXCHANGE THEM IF YOU FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM IN A SPAN OF 30 DAYS MAYBE. OR RETURN THEM IF YOURE NOT SATISFIED WITH THEM. BUT THATS JUST MESSED UP. I WAS JUST KIDDING.

A GOOD SLAP IN THE FACE

When I get drunk I get violent. I start hitting people and hitting on them at the same time. I even bite. I get affectionate too. I hug people more than usual, and kiss them on the cheeks. I stick my tongue out in pictures as well. I look so retarded.

Last night I finally hung out with my co workers for the first time. I never really go because it was always too far of a drive for me. Plus, I never seem to find a reason to go. But last night my friend was spinning, and I wanted to witness that. So I went.

As I walk in I saw a few faces that I wanted to kick it with. I was glad to be there. Most of my co workers are a little older than me. I like conversing with them cause they never run out of stories to tell. And most of them don't talk shit about other people. Some of them I used to hang out with and get a good buzz, but most of them, it was a first.

After saying hi to everyone, I got a drink and a shot to warm myself up and loosen up a bit. I took my cousin along and her boyfriend so I wouldn't have to worry about driving drunk and also I wanted her to meet some of my "cool" co-workers.

A few shots later, I went up to my DJ friend. I said hi to her. Offered her a shot cause she looked so stiff she could really use a shot. She refused, whatever, I took it. I kept buying shots for my friends. I love taking shots. Its not good but as long as you know you'll make it home safe its good. Whatever excuse is a good excuse. I told my cousins boyfriend to spin. He kept looking at it that's why. I could really tell he really wanted to. He did. I'm glad she let him.

So she went for a bathroom break or something, when she got back I was trying to talk to her, you know, checking up and what's up. She seemed irritated. For me that was a normal reaction from her. But to a different perspective it seemed harsh. I've had people commented me on that. And that night it felt like a slap in the face. She told me I was too good of a friend to be treated that way. I was touched. Im very easy to please believe me. The right words at the right time. Yup. Anyway I tried explaining my side. Turns out, she has some beef with this friend of ours. I understand her part. Im even surprised that she still befriended her.

Oh well. It was still a fun night. I just focused my attention to those people who wanted to hang out with me as much as I wanted to hang out with them. Now that sounds better. I ended up slapping my favorite co-worker. I have yet to apologize for that. Its gonna be a while before I see him again though but I'm sure he's gonna make me remember no matter what. He's that kind of person.

it is what it is

Today i have finally decided to call it with this guy i am currently dating. They say he's my boytoy. I say i dont even know. Last week as i was driving him home, out of nowhere, with my left hand in my head, these words came out of my mouth "whats gonna happen to us?". All he could say was "us?". Thats it. Its as if it was a yes or no question and all he could say was duh?


I dont even understand why we even try. Its pointless. Its just like one sick cycle that i am so sick of. Were not getting anywhere.

I feel as if he just refuses to grow up. He doesnt listen. He talks way more than he walks. So this morning as he attacks me with millions of text messages like he always does, i finally told him to shut up. I usually try to be the bigger person and just let him say what he wants cause in the end he always takes it back and apologizes.

Nevertheless, i still get hurt everytime he says mean stuff. If i dont, i get irritated. So either way hes pulling me down with his unnecessary emotional breakdowns.

It stresses me out. Sleeping and waking up to all that shit. Now i understand how someone could say that u dont love me as much as u think u do. Now everytime he says that he loves me, i think its all crap. He says it when hes mad, plus he says hes not mad after he bitches at me. It just doesnt make sense. He's too busy drowning in his emotions that he forgets to even consider how i would feel. He keeps insisting that everything he does is for me. But in my point of view, im just not seeing it. I hate how he implies that hes done so much when in truth all hes ever done is talk. He would say that he wants something so bad but he doesnt even do anything. He doesnt make things happen. If thats how he is, then i guess im just gonna have to respect that and move on.

I dont think we deserve each other. He's not even happy with me. He always complains and ends up arguing with himself. Im not happy with him either. I feel like its never enough. Its obvious. Its over. Never even started.

MY LOVE IS A JERK

Tuesday morning, I worked graveyard. Pumped myself a bit up with redbull. At 6am, I was already so sleepy. And I started at 4am. I thought redbull was supposed to boost you up for 5 hours or so? Anyway, it felt like the longest 2 hours of my life. My cell phone had died earlier while I was talking to my bestfriend about this dream I had so I had nothing to keep myself occupied with during my break. I didnt feel like watching the news. My loud mouthed co-worker wouldve helped me stay awake but I never saw her until the end of the day. She herself wasnt in her usual loud self. We sat and talk for a little. As she went to clock out, there I saw walking up to me, my ex.


Well we didn't really commit to each other so I dont know if i should tag him as such. We just kept each other company and had fun while we're at it. Its been a while since we hung out. Its been a while since we even spoke with each other. I hated him. I hated him because I had to. I had to because I grew so weak for him that the only way I could forget him is to hate him. I cared for him too much. I loved him.

What we had was perfect, if you rule out him having a girlfriend. Yes, I knew, and still went for it. I never thought I would. But that time, I really didn't care. I didn't think it was going to last. I didn't think I was going to fall. But I did. Hard. The first few weeks I would ignore him. Flake on our arrangements. But as consistent as he was, I decided to go for it. He was very patient with me. He took care of me. I would hurt him and he wouldnt mind. He carried me from the club all the way to the parking lot. Believe me it wasnt a walk in the park at all. Maybe he grew tired of my craziness. I know I can be crazy at times. Crazy drunk.

He was the best guy I never even had. He had me fooled. I had myself fooled. One of my girls told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. I was happy to hear that. But it never really came from him. I never asked him. He never confirmed. It didn't matter to me. It just gave me more reasons to give in.

At first he would seem like a very timid person. He's not loud and he doesn't get loud and stupid. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't drink as much and I like that. Being with him made me want to quit smoking. I wanted so much to please him. He's the only guy I've been with who has made me feel insecure. He made me think about my ways. He made me see myself in a different perspective. I was willing to compromise. But all my hopes were crushed one night when I finally asked him about his girl. Yup, I was so stupid. I cried about a galon or two that night. I couldn't stop. I felt so betrayed. So manipulated. So broken. I can still remember everything like it was just yesterday. I thought I was over him. I guess not...

I CRAVE FOR PANDA.. PANDA EXPRESS chinese for yummy..

I have been craving and feeding on panda express for a whole month now. I cant stop myself. Its so good. That sweet taste of orange chicken and that yummy beef and brocolli. And lets not forget about the cream cheese rangoon. I eat there by myself. I dont mind. Everytime I go in theres always at least one family and a couple. Its never empty. Sometimes, when I dont give in to my craving, I just cant seem to satisfy my hunger. Id eat rice, Id eat a sandwich, Id eat candies and chocolates, even ice cream. Still feels empty in my tummy. I wont be able to sleep well and the next day I know, I have to go to Panda. =)