it is what it is

Today i have finally decided to call it with this guy i am currently dating. They say he's my boytoy. I say i dont even know. Last week as i was driving him home, out of nowhere, with my left hand in my head, these words came out of my mouth "whats gonna happen to us?". All he could say was "us?". Thats it. Its as if it was a yes or no question and all he could say was duh?


I dont even understand why we even try. Its pointless. Its just like one sick cycle that i am so sick of. Were not getting anywhere.

I feel as if he just refuses to grow up. He doesnt listen. He talks way more than he walks. So this morning as he attacks me with millions of text messages like he always does, i finally told him to shut up. I usually try to be the bigger person and just let him say what he wants cause in the end he always takes it back and apologizes.

Nevertheless, i still get hurt everytime he says mean stuff. If i dont, i get irritated. So either way hes pulling me down with his unnecessary emotional breakdowns.

It stresses me out. Sleeping and waking up to all that shit. Now i understand how someone could say that u dont love me as much as u think u do. Now everytime he says that he loves me, i think its all crap. He says it when hes mad, plus he says hes not mad after he bitches at me. It just doesnt make sense. He's too busy drowning in his emotions that he forgets to even consider how i would feel. He keeps insisting that everything he does is for me. But in my point of view, im just not seeing it. I hate how he implies that hes done so much when in truth all hes ever done is talk. He would say that he wants something so bad but he doesnt even do anything. He doesnt make things happen. If thats how he is, then i guess im just gonna have to respect that and move on.

I dont think we deserve each other. He's not even happy with me. He always complains and ends up arguing with himself. Im not happy with him either. I feel like its never enough. Its obvious. Its over. Never even started.